A Taxonomy of Religions
According to their Hermeneutics of Fecal Occurrence
| TAOISM | S__t happens. |
| CONFUCIANISM | Confucius say: "S__t happens." |
| BUDDHISM | S__t doesn't really happen. It is only called s__t happening. |
|
Zen
|
What is the sound of one s__t happening? |
| SIKHISM | Cut that s__t out, or we'll cut it out of you! |
| HINDUISM | This s__t has happened before. |
| PLATONISM | This s__t will happen again. |
| JAINISM | When it happens, s__t gently. Don't hurt the s__t. |
| SHINTO | If s__t happens, put a flower in it. Make a pretty offering. |
| HARE KRISHNA | ...s__t happens, s__t happens, s__t happens... |
| MOONIES | Only happy s__t really happens. |
| WICCA | S__t happens if you will it to happen. |
| ISLAM | S__t happens because Allah wills it. |
| SUFISM | Even though s__t happens, Allah wants you to dance. |
| PROTESTANTISM | Let s__t happen to someone else. |
| JUDAISM | Why does this s__t always happen to us? |
| CATHOLICISM | You deserve this s__t. |
|
Vatican II
|
If s__t happens, blame the clergy. |
| PRESBYTERIANISM | S__t should happen decently and in good order. |
| CALVINISM | S__t is predestined to happen because you don't work hard enough. |
| 7TH DAY ADVENTISM | No s__t on Saturdays. |
| TORONTO BLESSING | Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, s__t happens, ha-ha-ha-ha.... |
| ANGLICANISM | Scripture contains all things necessary to deal with s__t happening. |
| ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM | We still favor happenings of state-supported s__t. |
| FUNDAMENTALISM | Unless you're one of us, you're s__t. |
|
Baptist
|
S__t won't happen for you until you're totally immersed in it. |
|
Pentecostal
|
S__t happens! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! |
| METAPHYSICS | In terms of materialistic ontogeny, we're all s__t. |
| NEW AGE | When s__t happens, channel it. Visualise s__t happening. |
|
Feminism
|
S__t happening is an act of the Goddess. |
|
Feminist Separatism
|
When s__t happens, blame men. |
|
Men's Movement
|
Drums & fire make s__t happen hot & loud. |
| RASTAFARIANISM | Let';s smoke this s__t! |
|
Bud Lightism
|
S__t happens... I love you, man! |
| EXISTENTIALISM | S__t is, therefore it happens. |
| JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES | If you just let me in, I'll tell you why s__t happens. |
| MORMONISM | If s__t happens, make sure you have a 2-year food supply. |
| RAJNEESH | For $1000, s__t can happen for you, too. |
| HEDONISM | There's nothing like a good s__t happening! |
| STOICISM | This s__t is good for me. |
| ZOROASTRIANISM | Bad s__t happens half the time. The rest of the time, it's good. |
|
Parsi
|
Don't burn that s__t — fire is sacred! |
| CHRISTIAN SCIENCE | This s__t is all in your mind. |
| BAHA'I | S__t happens to everyone alike. |
| UNITARIANISM | If there is a s__t, let it happen to each in his/her own way. |
| AGNOSTICISM | Maybe s__t happens, and maybe it doesn't. |
|
Apathy
|
Who gives a s__t? |
| ATHEISM | No s__t! |
| POLITICS AS RELIGION | |
| Republicans | When s__t happens, stare like a deer in the headlights. Or invade a country that had nothing to do with it. Or both. |
| Democrats | When s__t happens, deny it. Or else weasel your way out of it with double talk, as in, "It depends on what the meaning of 's__t' is." |
| NRA | S__t will happen when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers. |
| NRA-Ted Nugent Style | Before you grill s__t, you gotta kill s__t! |
Yeah. I could roll in that. See also the intensely gross Things I have Learned from my Dog, Pongo
