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Bach, George R. and Peter Wyden, The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage. Out of print since the 1980's, this book is a treasure-chest full of advice that can save your marriage. I recommend it to all newlyweds and couples. The basic idea is that conflict in an intimate relationship is necessary to achieve true intimacy. The key is to have constructive, rather than destructive conflict. Avoiding the conflicts just stunts the relationship. — PS

Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More; How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. New York: HarperCollins/ Hazelden Foundation, 1987. One of the "founders" of family system therapy features concepts such as codependency and dysfunctionality. If you are or have been in a relationship with someone who is addicted to drugs, alcohol, or other dysfunctional behavior, this is one of the books to consult. —CH,PS

Bloomfield, Harold H., and Leonard Felder. Making Peace With Your Parents. New York: Ballentine Books, 1983. A good reparenting guide, with emphasis on anger, resentment, and forgiveness -- basically, taking responsibility and letting go. —CH

Bloomfield, Harold H., and Leonard Felder. Making Peace With Yourself. New York: Ballentine Books, 1985. Basically more reparenting, dealing with perceived weaknesses. —CH

Bloomfield, Harold H., and Robert B. Kory. Inner Joy. New York: Ballentine Books, 1983. More reparenting with emphasis on dealing with regrets over the past, guilt, and anger. —CH

Bly, Robert. Iron John: A Book About Men. New York: Random House, 1992 (paper). Bly is the author of numerous books of poetry and several on the topic of men and emotions. Interesting for the way a poet uses the power of story, of myth, to get at otherwise difficult to grasp psychological truths about men and manhood in modern Western societies. — CH,PS

Bradshaw, John. Healing the Shame that Binds You,. One of the most difficult and most healing books I ever read. Bradshaw distinguishes between what he calls "healthy shame" and "toxic shame".Toxic shame being the kind which wounds the spirit and is unresponsive to healing because it is undeserved in the first place. Rather than point the finger and rail at the purveyors of toxic shame, Bradshaw provides the tools to identify the wounds and the shame that caused them and means to free the spirit and heal. Highly recommended for people about to be parents or parenting and concerned that their kids grow at least as strong and joyful in spirit as they are. Review by Paul Shankland

Bradshaw, John. Homecoming, Bantam. A wonderful source of healing. Bradshaw takes Erickson's stages of human development out of academe and places them (and so much more) in the hands of all of us. For each stage of childhood development, infant, toddler, preschooler, et., Bradshaw identifies adult difficulties that originate in the unsuccessful conclusion of that stage and offers concrete actions and exercises to correct and heal our adult selves. Each section of the book begins with an inventory checklist of adult symptoms. This is followed by descriptions of the child growing through the stage and examples of successes, failures and woundings. The latter portion of each section contains a series of exercises and actions to help adults rework the critical issues of the stage. I know a group of people who dared work their way through the exercises in Homecoming together. Each of us see it as one of the most treasured growth experiences of our lives. Review by Paul Shankland

Briggs, Dorothy Corkille. Celebrate Yourself; Enhancing Your Self Esteem. New York: Doubleday, 1977. Excellent early book on self esteem.—CH

Burns, David D. Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy. New York: Signet (Penguin), 1980. Good practical helps for overcoming depression.—CH

Cloud, Henry. When Your World Makes No Sense. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1990. Cloud discusses four developmental steps, 1) bonding, 2) boundaries, 3) accepting good and evil, and 4) achieving equality among adults that I found very informative. Cloud is a codirector of the Minirth-Meier Clinic in L.A. and is an evangelical Christian who uses biblical examples in the book, although these are not central to understanding his presentation.—CH

Cloud, Henry, with John Townsend. Twelve "Christian" Beliefs that Can Drive You Crazy. I haven't read it yet, but I happened onto it while setting up the links for this page. Could be good! — PS

Forward, Susan and Craig Buck. Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. New York: Bantam/Dell Publishers, 1985. —CH

Forward, Susan and Joan Torres. Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them. New York: Bantem Books, 1986. Early and excellent treatment of misogynists men and their interrelation with women who love them. —CH

Gendling, Eugene T. Focusing, 2nd ed. New York: Bantam, 1978,1981. An excellent, simple discipline for plumbing to the roots of feelings quickly.—CH

Glasser, William. Positive Addiction. New York: Harper & Row, 1976. Practical steps to gaining control of our inner decision-making/control system.—CH

Glasser, William. Reality Therapy. New York: Harper & Row, 1965. Excellent, more theoretical earlier work on responsibility and truth featuring clinical case studies.

Glasser, William. Take Effective Control of Your Life. New York: Harper & Row, 1985. More practical steps to gaining control of our inner decision-making/control system.—CH

Glasser, William. Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriate. Published in 2001, this might be an interesting read, for those on a Glasser kick. —PS

Gorsky, Terrance. Adult Children of Alcoholics, audio tape. Publication information unknown. Excellent, funny presenter of great ACOA stuff in a high, nasal Michigan accent. All of Gorsky's points hit directly home with me.—CH

Gray, John. Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, 1992. Exceptionally wise, balanced understanding of the different needs, drives, and communication of men and women. Makes you laugh to tears and you'll see yourself in the stories.—CH The late Rich Daniel pointed out that some folks think this one is stupid and sexist.

Hendricks, Harville. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. New York: Harper-Collins, 1990. If you've ever wondered why you are attracted to the kind of lover you are and what happens to this euphoric glow, Hendricks explains it very well. The author's slant is in offering very practical application exercises for solving the real problem--teaching readers to become internally whole rather than dependantly whole, thereby removing unrealistic expectations from and healing the relationship.—CH

Hendricks, Harville. Keeping the Love You Find: A Guide for Singles. Citation information missing. Very similar to Getting the Love You Want. above.—CH

Hemfelt, Robert, Frank Minirth, and Paul Meier. Love is a Choice: Breaking the Cycle of Codedependent Relationships. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, Inc, 1989. Excellent developmental treatment of codependency and 10 practical steps out of the pit.—CH

Hemfelt, Robert, Frank Minirth, Passages of Marriage . Thomas Nelson, Inc, 1991. Good treatment of the phases of marriage and coping strategies for each.—CH

Jeffers, Susan. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1987. Like a good comic, Jeffers starts where people really live and gives many, many practical helps for dealing with it in the spirit of the Nike ad -- Just do it! Susan has a new book out (1992) on intimacy and relationship.—CH

Lucado, Max. Traveling Light: Releasing the Burdens You were never Intended to Bear. A commentary on life, in the light of the 23rd Psalm and the Gospel according to Matthew.—CH

Karen, Robert. "Shame," The Atlantic 269 (2), 40-70 (Feb 1992).—CH

Keen, Sam, Fire in The Belly: On Being a Man. Bantam Doubleday-Dell, 1992 (paper). —CH See How to Manage Your Dick, below. —PS

Keirsey, David and Marilyn Bates. Please Understand Me II: Temperament, Character, Intelligence., 1998.—CH,PS

Kroeger, Otto and Janet M. Thuesen. Type Talk:The 16 Personality Types That Determine How We Live, Love, and Work. New York: Delta/Tilden/Dell/Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Company, 1988. Very excellent description of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and its practical application in daily life. Focuses on application of Myers-Briggs Type Indicator in social, personal, and intimate relationships. Also deals with parent-child and leadership situations. Outstanding.—CH

Kroeger, Otto and Janet M. Thuesen. Type Talk at Work: How the 16 Personality Types Determine Your Success on the Job. New York: Delacorte/Tilden/BAntam Doubleday Dell Publishing Company, 1992. Application of Myers-Briggs Type Indicators to work situation. Very funny and very well presented. Applies to all situations. Outstanding.—CH

Leman, Kevin and Randy Carlson. Unlocking the Secrets of Your Childhood Memories. Nashville: Nelson Thomas Publishers, 1989. Our early memories are selective, reflecting the picture we already have of ourselves. Practical suggestions for revising the memories and changing perspectives about them.—CH

McGinnis, Alan Loy. Confidence: How to Succeed at Being Yourself. Minneapolis: Augsburg Publishing House, 1987. A good set of practical suggestions on building confidence.—CH

McGinnis, Alan Loy. The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care For. Minneapolis: Augsburg Publishing House, 1979. The very best book I have ever read on how to make friends and lovers. McGinnis is an evangelical Christian but neither book stresses this obnoxiously.—CH

Middleton-Moz, Jane and Lorie Dwinell. After the Tears, Reclaiming the Personal Losses of Childhood. Pompano Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 1986. Absolutely excellent, visceral description of the ACOA personality, depression-prone people, and a framework for tools to climb out of the pit. Don't be put off by the somewhat careless writing and editing.—CH

Minirth, Frank B., and Paul D. Meier. Happiness is a Choice; A manual on the Symptoms, Causes, and Cures of Depression. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1978. A very good discussion of depression. Written from an evangelical Christian perspective.—CH

Moir, Anne and David Jessel. Brain Sex: The Real Differences between Men and Women. New York: Dell Publishing, 1991. A fascinating account of biochemical research over the past 20 years on hormonal influences on adult behavior and the differences this makes in men and women.—CH

Myers, Isabel Briggs and Mary H. McCaulley. Manual: A Guide to the Development and the Use of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Palo Alto: Consulting Psychologists Press, 1985. (This would is very technical. See Kroeger and Thuesen, above.)—CH

Myers, Isabel Briggs and Peter Briggs Myers. Gifts Differing: Understanding Personality Type. Palo Alto: Consulting Psychologists Press, Inc., 1980. Discussion of the pioneering Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality profile system. (This is very technical. See Kroeger and Thuesen, above.)—CH

Norwood, Robin. Women Who Love Too Much. Subtitled, "when you keep hoping and wishing he'll change." New York: Pocket Books (Simon and Schuster), 1985.—CH

O'Reilly, Sean. How to Manage Your Dick: Redirect Sexual Energy and Discover Your More Spiritually Enlightened, Evolved Self. A book about men for men, which women will benefit from as well. Are you reading this, Mr. Clinton?? — PS

Schapiro, Nicole. Negotiating for Your Life: New success Strategies for Women. New York: Henry Holt and Company, 1993. Nichole Shapiro is a Mill Valley counselor as is John (Men Are From Mars) Gray, and is an outstanding counselor and speaker. Her book describes very practical techniques and attitudes for negotiating in all realms of life; she describes a personality taxonomy system of four types that I have found to be dead on.—CH

Peck, M. Scott. The Road Less Traveled. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1978. One of the most thought provoking works, emphasizing 1) delayed gratification, 2) responsibility, 3) truth, and 4) balance in the context of traditional psychotherapy. Also deals with spirituality; the mystery and grace of surprise recoveries. In a sentence, this book is about the author's professional experience of psychotherapy as a form of confession, from a non-obtrusive Christian perspective.—CH He also read and liked my manuscript that became the nucleus of this website.-PS

Seligman, Martin. Helplessness, On Depression, Development, and Death. New York: W. H. Freeman and Company, 1975. Outstanding treatise on the concept of learned helplessness; a great prerequisite to Middleton-Moz Dwinell, After the Tears. Seligman espouses cognitive therapy.—CH I couldn't get through the deprivations Seligman and his co-researchers inflicted on monkeys and dogs. This is valuable, seminal research, and probably worth doing once, but it is itself an appalling read. —PS

Seligman, Martin. Learned Optimism: How to Change your Mind and your Life. New York: Random House, 1990. An expansion of On Depression in which Seligman expands on his and others' research on the pervasive influence of explanatory style, pessimism and optimism. Optimists are healthier, live longer, perform at or above their abilities, are more happy, and generally get more out of life than are pessimists. He has studied people in business, sports, politics, and academia and recommends a personal risk-assessing adaptive/flexible optimism (sometimes pessimism is the safer, wiser tactic). He presents a strategy to increase optimism based on Albert Ellis' ABCD3E (Adversity, Beliefs, Consequences, Distraction, Disputation, Distancing, Energizing). The book has tests for optimism/explanatory style and depression that are illuminating.—CH

Tannen, Deborah. You Just Don't Understand; Women and Men in Conversation. New York: Ballentine Books, 1990. Excellent discussion of perceptions and bases of conversation of men and women based on research conducted by the author. Basically, according to the author, men are into power and independence, women, community, connectedness, and intimacy. It's a matter of emphasis, not a black-and-white thing. The author's observations explain many misunderstandings among people with differing bases. Somewhat repetitive and poorly edited but absolutely worth the effort.—CH

Townsend, John. Hiding from Love. NavPress, Colorado Springs , 1991. Another Minirth Meier book on dysfunctionality and eating disorders.—CH

Wagner, Maurice E. The Sensation of Being Somebody: Building an Adequate Self Concept. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1975. Excellent discussion of development of self concept and ways to improve it.—CH

Weiner-Davis, Michele. Divorce Busting. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1992. Very practical advice for changing one's own behaviors and relationships.—CH

Whitfield, Charles L. Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, 1987.—CH

Woititz, Janet Geringer. Adult Children of Alcoholics (Expanded Edition). Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 1983, 1990. Great presentation of the fundamental characteristics of ACOAs. Every point hit home with me. An in depth discussion of the ACOA material on Woititz' audio tape with the same title.—CH

Zois, Christ. Think Like a Shrink: Solve Your Problems Yourself With Short Term Therapy Techniques. New York: Little Brown and Co., 1992. A presentation of a method of therapy that is short and very focused, requiring relentless honesty and specificity. The author has many very good ideas, and, like most, is off on others.—CH Most likely she is off on the extent to which you can help yourself without an insightful (professional) helper, as in the old adage, "Whoever is his own physician has a fool for a doctor and a fool for a patient." May be worth a try for a short while.— PS

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